🍿 2022-11-14 17:03:00 – Paris/France.
when i discovered this Lindsay Lohan returns to the world of cinema with a new christmas movie on netflixI screamed so loud that I terrified my cat. Ok, I'm prone to histrionics, but also: how could we have been so lucky?
Below are all the thoughts I had, in real time, while enjoying the wonder of Christmas Fall for Christmaswith none other than Lindsay Lohan:
- God, I love a movie where an heiress loses her memory in a skiing accident.
- In fact, that's an example of why I'll never go skiing in my life. It's too dangerous.
- Who is wearing a beige eye mask?
- Where is Lindsay's luxury condo? I'm guessing in Aspen or something.
- Oh, it's a luxury hotel. I was mistaken.
- Lindsay's father, aka "Dad", wants her to work in the hotel business, but she doesn't like it.
- The person I assumed was him Lindsay's Gay Best Friend is actually her boyfriend, and they call them both "Russians". Nope!!!!!
- I want six people to dress me every day and feed me caviar. It is not fair!
- On the other hand, it probably doesn't take six people for a grown woman to wear a cheese-stained Kenyon College t-shirt.
- "It's a really action-packed movie," comments my partner, as men race down the ski slopes.
- Oh, okay, one of the men is Lindsay's dad, and he refuses to invest in a nice guy from the local ski lodge in town.
- God, adult blond men scare me. Sorry.
- Town boy Jake spills hot chocolate on Lindsay's "Valenyagi" (is it a collaboration between Valentino, Balenciaga and something else?). This guy is ruining his 'Haute Couture bodysuit'. Lindsay's boyfriend yells at her.
- Jake has a beautiful daughter and a dead wife (I guess), and his humble group of friends are cute too.
- Aw, Lindsay has a deceased mother (I confirm).
- When Lindsay sings "Jingle Bell Rock" in the car...I'm going to assume that's a reference to Bad girlsand no one will convince me otherwise.
- Why does Lindsay's boyfriend sound like Austin Powers?
- Shit, I want roasted chestnuts.
- The strawberry groom proposes to her on top of a mountain with an extremely ugly and oversized ring.
- It's not a Netflix Christmas movie if you don't say "I love you, Grandma" out loud.
- A gust of wind blows Lindsay away (literally), and she slides down a hill for what feels like six hours before colliding with a tree. My God!
- At the most hygienic medical clinic in the world, we learn that Lindsay has a minor concussion and has no memory of anything before the accident.
- No one can know who Lindsay is, including Lindsay.
- Jake, who was the one who rescued Lindsay from under the tree, offers her to stay at his place.
- LOL, the silly boyfriend is lost in the woods.
- A very badly animated raccoon (in special effects) scares Lindsay at the shelter.
- I need to know what kind of keratin treatment Lindsay's hair team used for this movie because her hair is really shiny.
- I confirm, yes, it's a Netflix movie. Looks like a beta version of A Castle for Christmas.
- Lindsay borrows a hair dryer from Jake's daughter and they bond, which is great because once the daughter likes you, it's a jump off and jumps elopement with the hot daddy.
- Aw, Lindsay is learning to eat bacon! A Christmas miracle (but certainly not related to Hanukkah).
- I'm not super interested in that subplot where the boyfriend shows up at some guy named Ralph's cabin. I have to be very honest.
- I love a Christmas movie where Airbnb is the bad guy. Stick to the local lodges, guys! There, the cost of cleaning, is included.
- Lindsay desperately trying to put a corner sheet on a mattress, that's literally me, and I've been making beds for about 20 years. Why is it so difficult?
- If you're going to force an heiress to clean your apartment, don't be surprised if she ruins the washer-dryer.
- Lindsay feels bad for ruining the washing machine and cries next to a horse named Balthazar. Iconic.
- Oh shit, Jake is teaching Lindsay to cook, and sparks are flying in the air.
- Wait, are they still skiing? Right after Lindsay's accident? Is it… safe?
- Okay, this movie is getting a little long, but I get the gist: Jake and Lindsay bond, but he's still saddened by his wife's death.
- Ooh, Lindsay uses her rich girl skills to plan a fundraiser for the shelter, but Jake is against it.
- Back at the (posh) ranch, Lindsay's dad just found out she's missing and he's scared.
- It's time to raise funds. People collaborate in much the same way as It's a wonderful lifeand I, unfortunately, am already crying.
- Just when everything is going well, the clumsy boyfriend comes looking for Lindsay, bringing back that big, ugly ring. She returns to her life, but it is clear that she is not happy.
- Lindsay promotes the hotel at a press conference, breaks up with the asshole, and is picked up by Jake and his daughter in a horse and buggy to live happily ever after. I love happy endings at Christmas!
Article originally published in American Vogue, vogue.com.
SOURCE: Reviews News
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